The need for validation and its link with codependency
“Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused”
– lyrics to the song ‘Sweet Dreams‘ by the Eurhythmics
When we think about emotional abuse, our first thought is outright lying, cheating, overt and intentional manipulation. However, emotional abuse can come in more subtle forms. How we were brought up as children can affect how we relate to others when we grow up. (This is not to blame the parent, as parenting is a tough job and parents also come with their own intergenerational trauma. A parent can have perfectly good intentions and still unknowingly cause harm). Being aware of what makes us tick and what ticks us off can help us be more self aware, and enable us to develop healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
The Need for Validation
It is a child’s nature to want to please their parents. In order to develop a healthy sense of self, a child receives affirmation from their parents or caregivers. If the caregiver is preoccupied with their own issues and unable to provide support to the child, the child often assumes they are at fault. For example, in homes with frequent parental conflict, aggression or chaos, the child may assume the role of the mediator and want to please their parents to keep the peace. The child may grow up being extra sensitive to other people’s moods as a ‘strength’ (or coping mechanism) they developed in order to stay out of trouble. They may feel the need to take care of everything and ‘save’ others. This can often leave them feeling empty and unappreciated when their efforts are not evenly reciprocated. In adults, this can show up as being unable to say ‘no’ and feeling the need to fix things for others.
Codependency in Relationships
Children who are brought up as mediators for their next-of-kin can often be drawn to form relationships with controlling and narcissistic individuals. This is due to their need for validation which can make them targets of narcissists who seek admiration and followers. If you find yourself being taken advantage of by a narcissist, don't blame yourself. Remember, you are not a victim, and you can take active steps to draw boundaries or get out of the relationship. Other ways this may manifest could be taking on more than what one can handle at work. One may have difficulty saying ‘no’ to their boss and feel responsible for the smooth running of things beyond their job scope. This can lead to burnout when one does not have sufficient support and resources to cope with their workload. Burnout is recognised by WHO as an ‘occupational phenomenon’ and is characterised by feelings of fatigue, increasing mental distance from one’s job or negativity or cynicism related to the job, and reduced professional efficiency.
The solution is learning to draw healthy boundaries, learning when to say ‘no’ and letting others handle their own issues. Doing these can prevent resentment from building up and also provides a signal to others to respect your boundaries. Self-compassion is key—consciously working on the self and learning to value one’s own needs, self-reflection, therapy, mindfulness and meditation are some ways that can help us learn to simply ‘be’ instead of having to ‘do’ or ‘fix’ things all the time. When we learn not to derive our own self-value from others or from doing things for others, we are comfortable to be ourselves and feel less anxiety. We also free others from the unwanted need to ‘repay’ our unsolicited help, as well as any resentment that can build up from feeling unappreciated.